I’ve decided that I should be more honest on my blog.  That I should overshare.  TMI, that sort of thing.

Because sometimes when somebody whispers something shockingly ghastly to me, it makes me feel secretly really great because I’m ghastly too.

So, a few years ago I was really, really tired.  I just wanted to sleep all the time.  I would look at a spot on some random floor and think I could lie down there. And when I did sleep, I felt like a piece of metal being pulled down by a strong magnet.  My heart beat really fast sometimes, like I had just run, but I hadn’t, and I’d grab my blood pressure monitor that’s left over from a toxemia deal and see what was up.  But my blood pressure would be really low.

And my days were like: little bursts of energy, long periods of verytiredness, repeat.  When I had energy, I was happy.  When I was wobbly and exhausted, I felt very sad.  Because I didn’t want to feel like that.

I went to the doctor.  I waited a very long time in a waiting room, then a very long time in an exam room, and my kids were with me, because they’re always with me, and then finally the doctor came in and asked me what the problem was and I said that I had been feeling very, very, very, very tired.

And he smirked and said, “You and every other mother out there.”

And that made me start to tear up, because I didn’t think that was super helpful.  He noticed the tears.  He gave me an RX for an antidepressant.  Which I took.

Still tired, though.  I thought that if an antidepressant didn’t work for me, then I must be really depressed.  I think I started to feel depressed because of how obviously depressed I was.

I went back to the doctor.  This time I saw somebody else at the office.  She was nice.  She ripped off the top page of a pad of questionnaires and handed one to me, then left the room for me to fill one out–she’d give me a few minutes alone.  I just needed to answer honestly.  The questions were something like:

1.  Do you sometimes feel very happy?

2. Do you sometimes feel very sad?

3. Do you sometimes have periods of energy?

4. Do you sometimes have periods of non-energy?

5. Has anyone in your immediate family, that you are aware of, ever felt happy, sad, energetic, or tired?

It was a quick test, I felt confident in my honesty, and I had answered YES to everything.

A few minutes later I was told, very gently and with such a wonderful bedside manner, that I was bipolar.  And that I would need to start taking this cute starter pack of medicine.

I did.  I was ready to start my life as an invigorated bipolar person.

Less than one week later I called my neighbor, a nurse, late at night and said I was sorry to bother her, but could she just pop over for a bit because I couldn’t sleep and I felt like some sort of beast was trying to eat its way out of me and that she could just let herself in; I’d be waiting under my kitchen table.

She took me to the hospital.  I had to go to the psychiatric unit for a few days.  I met some really cool people.  And learned a lot about a lot of interesting stuff.  And the starter pack of meds was thrown away instantly.  And after awhile I got back to just my normal exhaustion.  And I’m not bipolar.  And a lot of people who know me were like  What the…you were where? But some people who know me were like Just as I always suspected.

And I do have issues.  Let’s save those for another day, shall we?

And then…after several months more of feeling so, so tired, and my heart racing, and just awful, I went to yet another doctor.  She did some blood work and told me that I was, like,  way anemic–on the cusp of needing a transfusion.  So I started taking an iron supplement.  (Recommend this one, btw.)

I was a new girl.

What’s my point?  Aw, I don’t know, do I ever have a point?  OK, point: Reach out to people when you need help.  And research symptoms; it could save you a long, crazy chase.  (Did you know that some symptoms of hyperthyroidism are palpitations, heat intolerance, nervousness, trembling hands, and a staring gaze?  Or that tingling in your hands/feet and recurring skin, gum, or bladder infections are a few symptoms of Type 2 diabetes?)  And no one doctor is God.  God is God.

And antidepressants are great too.  I take one now.  It’s upstairs, next to my iron.

So.  That’s that.

And here’s a grainy, busy pic from the kitchen.

Have a quality day.